اخويا الصغير دا من احلي الحاجات اللي في حياتي حقيقى.

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One self-destructive thought down, 10 to go!

Back to my favorite and only way of expressing my feelings. Last time I wrote here, I swore to God that I'll never come back crying about a person or a thing that is not worth the hassle. And I can proudly say that I did. However, I still give people a lot more than they deserve but let me say it, I'm not even sorry :) I finally came to an understanding that I really have a good heart, not a one that hold grudges or keep chasing people for the sake of revenge, never was, never will be. I'm sorry I believed so before. But if someone thinks that I was that kind of people, then I'm utterly sorry, please consider it an indiscretion. Still working on a lot of self-destructive thoughts tho. I guess I'm a bit proud of the person I'm today, at least I finally know what's meant by time management, although all people won't agree on that, but I can feel it, I really am. I just think it's a bit too much for me to handle but at the end, I know how to get ev...
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Complicated, I guess.

I know nothing other than loving you. I seriously think that you're gradually leaving my side, you're actually abandoning me. I don't quite understand the reason or maybe I understand, I don't know. I want to insist that I did clarify and explain to you the person you'll meet and how much you may suffer if you fell in love with me. I don't want to share my future life with the very passive version of you but I badly want you. People say we don't fall in love for a specific reason, but we can fall apart instead. I kept asking you for loving me for the person I am and you did, you did it very well :') I also asked you to stay by my side, to make me feel safe, and to never let me feel the loneliness, but you didn't nor in a single way or for a single time. Two persons are fighting inside of me, I do not know which one of them will win this fight, I want you badly and I'm terrified to share my life with you. Are you okay? did I hurt you that bad? I d...
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Let's sum up this hassle in a number of lines.

I hate to admit it but I guess that I don't really fit in relationships despite the fact that I flourish during the phase, but I still don't know how to control my feelings and I guess I'll never will. I don't quite know how to keep everything in shape, either work, body shape, social life and most importantly the only thing I always find myself good at which is sadly, studying. Problem is never related to the person I'm in love with, but the person I'm and how emotional I get as well as the sense of responsibility I strongly encounter. It's pretty good to be a giver, you just need to understand that being the very best version of yourself whether in school, work or whatever is considered a personal gain to you never lessen the effort you exert for your partner nor make you a bad person. You can make him your first priority and still do good for yourself, certainly this will make him happy too ;)
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